Monday, March 31, 2014

A Slight Change of (My) Plans



The next chapter of "Chrissy" has begun... only much different than I expected when writing my last post in February.

The night before surgery we drove an hour north to avoid a super-early wake-up call and the extreme snow storm on its way.  My parents followed us there and we all enjoyed dinner as best we could, feeling at peace with the plan.  We spent the night in our hotel rooms and before I knew it, the alarm was going off.  

It was surgery day.  

We woke up to a delayed snow storm, with barely any accumulation; always a nice surprise for my husband who despises driving in snow!  [After surgery, the snow certainly arrived, over 10 inches that required another overnight stay.  Not your ideal recovery situation, but we were blessed!]   I arrived at the hospital to find a Caribou Coffee smack-dab in the lobby entrance (super unfair as Caribou Coffee is my fave)!  The nurse checked us in and took us back to Room 1.  We did some routine blood work and I took what I thought would be my last and final pregnancy test.  Until this moment, I'd held on to the last bit of hope that God might work a God-sized miracle and make the test positive.  It was negative.  I took the deepest breath and released it, knowing I was doing the right thing by surrendering my life in His hands.

A delay with the first patient's surgery caused my surgery to be delayed by almost two hours, leading to little talks and World's Dumbest Criminals (I have no idea why we would watch that).  Finally, it was my turn.  I hugged and kissed my husband goodbye and it was go time.

I awoke to nausea and confusion.  My doctor came in to tell me that during the laparoscopy she removed endometriosis... and nothing else.  She didn't do a hysterectomy after all!  Apparently, my female organs looked too good for someone with my history and illnesses and she wouldn't have been able to sleep at night knowing she'd removed them.  During our pre-op visit, we made a plan to leave everything we possibly could, and she did just that.  

With the pain I'd endured and my history of female struggles, there was no WAY I expected her to say this.  I was certain a hysterectomy was going to happen.  I was ready for it to happen.  And part of me wanted it to happen.  So while most people initially felt ecstatic and overjoyed by this amazing turn of events, I did not.  I instantly cried and felt overwhelmed with emotion.  I wanted to beg her to wheel me back into that icy-cold operating room and remove it all.

To anyone who's never felt the terrible pain and heartache of endometriosis, PCOS, and/or multiple miscarriages, I can understand how you would think "Wow. You cried for months that your dream of having a baby was coming to an end.  Now, God prevented the hysterectomy from happening and you still aren't happy?"  

Don't get me wrong, the outcome is incredible and amazing and there's definitely a reason for it  My husband said it's clearly a sign that God's not done working and He has something else in store for us.  I fully believe it!


Before surgery, I began a deep grieving process.  I came to a place of total surrender and acceptance.  I'll be honest, I even felt a little relieved at the thought of pain relief and the certainty of never having to lose another baby.  When I heard the doctor's words, I felt as though I was no better off than before they put me under.  

Tomorrow, I turn thirty-six years old and I still don't know if I'll ever have a baby.  The pain is likely to return, prompting additional surgeries.  And my biggest fear of facing another miscarriage is still a possibility. I never want to endure it again... any of it.  I'd accepted that having a baby of my own wasn't meant for me and I felt so much peace about it.  The change of (my) plans really caught me off guard.

This was never a change in God's plan; just mine... and what I thought was His.  

Here's what I know: I serve a GREAT BIG GOD who works unbelievable miracles... clearly!  I still don't understand why it's happening this way but, as before, I'll continue to trust Him.  My dream could still come to life someday or maybe this happened to make a future hysterectomy decision easier, to help me know that we tried everything we could.  I don't really know and it's exhausting trying to speculate!  

I will process these emotions because it's healthy, but I won't be held a prisoner of fear! I'm easing back into life and not rushing a thing.  I will continue talking with God and seeking His direction.  I will hold on to faith and see where He leads. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10