Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Death of a Dream


It's the dream I've had for as long as I can remember.

I haven't thought about anything in my life as much as I've thought about this dream.  I never questioned "if" it would happen, only "when".  I talked about it with friends and family.  People said I'd be good at it... and I believed I would!  I watched other people do it and tried to be patient as I waited my turn.  I thought about how it would look, feel, and what it would sound like.  I had ideas about how I would do things and what I'd try hard not to do.  I pictured it a million times and for thirty-four years it never occurred to me that it wouldn't happen.  

But here I am, at thirty-five years young, accepting that I'll never have a baby of my own.

I've struggled with so much pain from aggressive endometriosis, PCOS, and adhesions.  There seems to be a pattern of it getting worse six months after each surgery and it's completely impacting my life.  It grows back so quickly, despite various treatments (such as Lupron injections) and failed attempts to minimize the pain. I also have secondary amenorrhea, I’ve had pre-cancerous cells removed from my uterus, and I’ve endured five miscarriages.  We’ve tried several options and have considered alternatives, but after much prayer and a lot of conversations, I feel this is the path I'm meant to take.  

In less than two weeks I'll be having a hysterectomy. 

I’m not yet sure how much will be removed and the doctor won’t know until surgery what should stay and go.  That will determine my recovery time, anticipating anywhere from six to twelve weeks. 

For almost two years, I've done research about my female struggles.  I've learned about different options and I've read about people who've had similar experiences and have made similar decisions.  It's been a fabulous thing for some and a disaster for others.  I know there is no cure for endometriosis.  I know that in order for the endometriosis not to cause me problems going forward, the surgeon must find every implant and remove it, and remove both ovaries to prevent it from returning. I know that having a hysterectomy does not guarantee I won't have future pain or struggles. I know there's a possibility for another surgery at some point.  

I am heartbroken and devastated, yet by the grace of God I feel so much peace... the kind only He can give. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to process and, while my heart is absolutely shattered, I feel this is the path I'm meant to take.  God has reasons we may never know, but I fully trust Him... I just wish it were easier.  

Don't be mistaken... I never gave up.  I simply humbled myself and submitted my life to God and His direction!  I'm a fighter, I'm strong, and I'm an overcomer!  Many people have offered advice and shared stories of how others have gotten through similar situations.  It's helped me to get to this place.  But ultimately, I choose to follow God's lead and trust He'll be here to carry me through this.  I will use this story to help others who face similar situations, who try to make sense of it all.  I fully believe He's going to replace this emptiness with something new.

We don't know what the future holds, but I trust it's gonna be amazing!  When I begin to question my dreams or which direction I should go, God never fails to remind me He’s got it covered.  His plans are much better than my most beautiful dreams.  

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11


8 comments:

  1. Chrissy I am so sorry. I really hate that you are going through this and really wish I could just hug you right now. God brought us together for some reason and I'm truly blessed to know you! You are so sweet and amazing. I am praying for you and will continue to pray His peace over you through this difficult time! xoxo

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    1. Thank you SO much, Sara!! It means the world to me to have your support and prayers and love. It makes this a little easier to get through having people like you in my life to help me through it. Love you!

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  2. I wish I had better words than the ones I keep typing, deleting, typing again, and deleting again. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm thankful for your openness to share a piece of your soul with us. I will def be praying for you and your husband in the coming weeks.

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    1. Ginger, your words are so precious and I can't tell you just how it felt to read these today. Your prayers mean so much to me and I really appreciate you lifting our family up!! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

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  3. My heart is broken over this news. I also can't find the right words. I am sure they will come but as for now, I am going to grieve your loss and pray for your health.

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    1. Oh Pam, thank you very much! It really means a lot to me... this is so difficult but I know we'll get through it as we always have. God has some big plans in store and I'm already struggling to be patient to see what they are! Love you!

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  4. I only found your blog today and seeing this post is so heartbreaking. I do understand a lot of the pain you are going through as I am a fellow PCOS/endo "battler" myself. I am currently on a weight loss journey (which is how I found your blog) and I just had to stop and send you a little love and wish you well with your surgery and recovery. I won't say any of the trite anecdotes that many try to say to comfort in times like this but I will say that I hope that your future brings you your dreams in some other way.

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    1. I appreciate this SO much, Rachael! It really means the world to me that you took time to share such encouraging words of support with me. It helps to be reminded I'm not alone in this battle and others understand the pain. Best of luck in your weight loss journey! It won't be long before I resume that process! Thanks again, Rachael. <3

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