Monday, January 27, 2014

In My Heart Forever

Miscarriage is more than a death... it brings a dream into question.

For a couple to suffer a miscarriage is difficult.  For it to happen multiple times is a living nightmare.  

I don't understand it, I didn't expect it, I didn't want it.  This isn't how it was supposed to go. I NEVER wanted to be that girl... the one who could never carry a baby.  Then again, I also never expected to be divorced or suffer financial struggles and health struggles and weight struggles.

But here I am, faced with those realities. 

I was married to my previous husband when I had my first miscarriage.  At first, I wasn't sure what was happening or why I was bleeding so much.  A co-worker suggested I may have been suffering a miscarriage.  I later learned this was the case.  

After getting re-married to my best friend and man of my dreams, I found myself mourning the loss of four more babies.  The pain, the bleeding, the heartache, the confusion, the questions. Only now, it was so much more difficult.  Each miscarriage hurt more than the last. Waiting to see the results of each pregnancy test made me sick to my stomach, unsure if I would experience another let down or what seemed to be the set-up for one.  I wanted it so badly but it just wasn't happening.

The night of my third miscarriage I had one of the most realistic dreams of my life.  I remember every detail as though I'd watched the movie a thousand times... and I've replayed it a million times in my head.  I dreamt my husband and I attended an end of the season baseball team party with the boy (my bonus son).  We were at the home of a teammate's family enjoying the standard summer barbecue foods, swimming in the pool, and sharing fun stories of the baseball season.  I spent the entire afternoon playing with a precious, sweet little blonde-haired boy.  I felt such a strong connection to him and couldn't believe how the minutes flew as we played and laughed together.  It was so fun!

When it was time to leave I knelt down to his level and told him it was time for me to go.  With tears in his eyes and a sad look on his face, he said to me "But I want you to stay and be my momma."  I replied "Awe, that's so sweet!  I would LOVE to stay and be your momma but I just can't.  I'll definitely see you again, though!  Is that okay?"  I leaned in and gave him a hug.  I won't soon forget the feeling of those tiny little arms hugging my neck.  As I began to let go of him, he hugged me tighter.  It took me by surprise and I remember feeling so loved.  I hung on to him as long as I could.  

As I pulled away, I looked into his eyes and said "I'll see you again really soon, okay?"  With a sad look, he shook his head in agreement.  I stood to my feet, took a deep breath, held my husband's hand, and we headed east towards our car to go home.  I remember thinking "Do not turn around, do not look back, whatever you do just keep moving forward".  Yet as I walked forward I could see that sweet boy watching us walk away, tears streaming down his face.  

I awoke to blood soaked sheets and the realization I'd lost another baby.

The connection I felt in that dream made me feel as though I actually spent time with my son.  My pregnancies never lasted long enough to give my babies names, with the exception of the one I met in my dreams... I call him Beaux.  Of all the baby names I considered throughout my life, it's the one name I was absolutely set on.  I can't wait to see Beaux and my other four babies in heaven one day.  Until that day, I know they're in amazing hands.

I may have only carried you for a moment, but you will live in my heart forever.