I fully believe when a woman who's never had a child of her own is about to undergo a hysterectomy, she should be able to visit her doctor at a separate, neutral location, as opposed to a 'women's health' clinic. If it weren't for God's grace and the peace He's poured on my life, I'm not sure how I would have handled what I experienced yesterday during my pre-op appointment.
We rode up the elevator with a very young pregnant woman. I closed my eyes and thought "How am I going to deal with this"? While sitting in the waiting room, we watched two beautiful little girls playing while five other pregnant woman arrived for their appointments. Two couples with newborn babies came in after that. We were surrounded by brochures and posters about pregnancies, the 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' book, and the Baby Derby, listing the doctors with the most amount of babies delivered each year, as far back as 1975. I could tell my husband felt just as uncomfortable as I was, probably wondering when my meltdown would begin.
My name was called and we were taken to another waiting room. The walls of this area were absolutely lined with thousands of pictures of babies and baby announcements from parents of newborns delivered by my doctor. I chose to sit with our backs against the wall that contained the most pictures. We still faced a great big bulletin board covered with pictures.
We tried not to look. We turned to the left but saw a big, black and white poster of six babies with some silly saying that I can't remember. No matter where our eyes landed, there were pictures of babies.
My stomach turned.
This picture doesn't do it justice. Imagine what you see here times ten.
Finally, a nurse called my name. We entered the exam room with, you guessed it, more pictures! At least there weren't as many and I was able to sit on the exam table with my back to one of the couple holding each other with the wife showing her pregnant belly. Was this some kind of cruel joke? Being in this environment certainly wasn't making things easier.
I felt feelings of anger, jealousy, resentment, insecurity, inferiority, comparison, and confusion rise up within me. I'll be very honest with you, when I thought about some of the pregnant women I saw in the clinic, I asked God "Why them and not me? She smelled like an ashtray, yet I've never even smoked. And that one couple didn't even look old enough to be out of high school... they probably didn't even want or plan this. HOW IS THIS FAIR?"
Immediately, God reminded me that everything I'm seeing and experiencing is part of His plan. I won't understand it... not now, anyway. Maybe I'll never understand parts of it. The babies in those mother's womb have a purpose, just like me. I don't know what those mothers have been through. I don't know their stories and they don't know mine. We could have more in common than I realize. It was not okay to judge them by what I was seeing on the outside. Those judgments had nothing to do with these people I don't even know... they had everything to do with me.
They had to do with my grieving heart trying to process what I'm losing, the dream that's fading away. My senses were overwhelmed with visual stimulants and I was in full-on fight mode, still fighting for my dream. I wrestled with it internally until my husband reached over and took my hand.
Immediately, I felt comfort.
I was reminded I'm not alone in this. He's here with me and God is with us. Soon after, my husband said something to make me laugh, in his usual way, and I forgot all about those pictures and people. I focused on us. We passed the time until my doctor came in and we made a plan for Tuesday and our future. As our souls connected, I knew we would get through this.
It wasn't until the ride home that I realized I hadn't cried all day. I never broke down, even with Satan using all those distractions to try and draw me into "victim mode". I was weak for a few minutes but God helped me become strong! I saw just how powerful and perfect God's peace was during this adversity. I feel so blessed to have His arms around me. I don't want to imagine how different thing would be without Him.