Monday, May 13, 2013

Strengthen My Heart

So the past several days have been a real struggle for me.  Thursday, I began coming down with a fever that went as high as 101, accompanied by a headache and body aches.  I was beyond miserable.  I couldn't eat, the pain would not go away, and nothing seemed to help.  Friday, I had a CT scan and another visit with my nurse practitioner.  I still don't know the results from the scan, and the best outcome of my visit was additional pain meds that work when I take two - but then it totally knocks me out and I'm useless to the world.  

Sunday at church I really pushed to do everything I needed to.  As worship leader, I now find it super difficult to sit still while I sing!  But Sunday, I didn't have a choice.  I was in pain.  I made it through practice, the Mother's Day breakfast, and the worship portion of our service, but it really started hurting during my dad's sermon.  I tried to stand during the invitation, but cramping went into full force and it brought me to my knees.  In tears and in pain, I was surrounded by people who loved me and prayed with me.  They also encouraged me to go to the emergency room.  I decided I would... so my husband went to get the car.  On the way, home the pain improved (like from a 9 to a 7) so I changed my mind and decided to go home, take two pain pills, and get into bed.  That's where I stayed for five hours.

Truthfully, I'm just spent.  This is week 7 of constant pain with no relief.  I don't know what it is.  My suspicions aren't being confirmed or ruled out.  I take medicine to mask the pain and continue waiting on more results to figure out the next step.  I don't like that.  I'm at a loss for what to do... how can I make someone feel this is serious and needs immediate attention?  As much as I want to avoid the E.R., it may come down to that. 

I'm praying that God will continue directing my steps, to show me what to do and when to do it.  I'm praying He'll keep me patient and willing to submit to His plan.  I'm praying He'll keep me from feeling depressed and sinking into a dark place.  I'm praying He'll use me and my story to further His kingdom and help others.  I'm praying He'll use this time to strengthen my heart...